He no longer looks at me. Very rarely speaks. Recently, S. had Covid for the first time, and perhaps he is still recovering - accounting for his further withdrawal into indifference. Sleeping all day and night, the blankets covering his face, eyes closed - he is still and immobile except for the occasional stretches when my husband S. decides to shakily rise and continuously go up and down two flights of stairs - up and down, up and down - an exercise he devised for himself when he abandoned the gym- despite serious heart problems. I beseech him to ease up, but he continues moving, holding on to the railings. I no longer know what to do or say - having become the adversary, the nag - his blue eyes become black, dark with anger when I approach. We have been married almost 55 years, but I am no longer seen. Empathy is also gone.
We still get the New York Times delivered daily, but most days, it lies tightly bound flat on the bed unopened. I will not unsubscribe because having the NY Times in the house is a ritual passed on from my father, a loyal and avid reader. One day, I found my father attempting to read the newspaper upside down - resembling his world, which had turned topsy-turvy after a paralyzing stroke. My husband does use an iPad - lying in bed reading about a world in flux. At 83 and 85 years old, will we be around to witness the outcome of this horrific domestic and global devastation?
On the other hand, I still feel intoxicating anticipation for what the future will bring - fortunate to be able to focus on art, losing myself in the art-making process by attempting to convey contemporary life through portraiture and “history paintings" evoking humanity and beauty that I believe still exists in a world filled with pain and carnage.
Having lived with a person for so many years whose values I deeply respect, watching the drift into the oblivion of a cloudless night causes me ineffable anguish and tenderness. As we age, our world narrows physically - often through illness - and sometimes, our minds go back in time to retrieve the richness of the past’s vivid memories.
Sadly, this year has been one of loss of friends who have returned into the unknown vagaries that become the end of life.
